Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
