I seem to have left my pride at pride
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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