he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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