after a month anything with tits is on the radar
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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