Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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