I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
