Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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