My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
