you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
