Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
