my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i think my cat just said my name.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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