There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
