he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
