Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
