just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
