Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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