i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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