I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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