Barsexuality is the new black.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
