If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
