I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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