life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
