my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize