FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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