Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
