It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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