it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
