don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
