I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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