I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
