Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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