You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
