It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
