and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is classic penis vs brain.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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