as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
