She is in my trunk
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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