he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
