Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
