My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
