I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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