seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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