If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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