hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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