I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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