My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
