At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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