6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I didn't notice because vodka
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
