i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
