K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
