Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
