how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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