Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
