no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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