how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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