The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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