i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
