We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
