I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
