When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
