He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
