Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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