Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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