I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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