not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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