How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
