I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
