He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
